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Thread: Sorry the Houston Forum is Dead....

  1. #1
    MoJo Bishop Iraqi Info Minister's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2003

    Sorry the Houston Forum is Dead....

    open on exterior, Civil War-era plantation home, as members of a Southern family sit on the porch and reflect. A banner above the eaves reads: "Welcome Home, Colonel Angus!" ]

    Melinda: [ sitting on the steps ] When's he gonna get here, Mama?

    Miss Anabelle: [ setting on her rocker ] Anytime now, child.. be patient.

    Melinda: Is he very handsome?

    Miss Anabelle: [ chuckles ] He's been away at war so long, I don't rightly remember.

    Melinda: Mama! Look! There's a carriage on the horizon!

    Miss Anabelle: Oh? [ looking about ] Well, where, dear child?

    Melinda: There! [ points ] Traveling down the road! Darting in and out of the cotton!

    Miss Anabelle: Oh.. oh! Well, that must be the Colonel! Colonel Angus!

    Melinda: [ excited ] Could it really be, Mama? Could it really be Colonel Angus?

    Miss Anabelle: ..I don't know, uh.. We haven't seen Colonel Angus around these parts for years..

    [ Daddy steps onto the porch, from inside the plantation ]

    Daddy: Are you ladies out here talking about Colonel Angus?

    Melinda: Yes, Daddy! I can't wait to meet him!

    Daddy: Oh, watch out, Melinda! Once a woman is introduced to Colonel Angus, she'll settle for nothing less.

    Melinda: Daddy, they say all the womenfolk just love Colonel Angus!

    Daddy: Hmm.. I don't know why people make such a big fuss over Colonel Angus!

    Miss Anabelle: I myself never much cared for Colonel Angus! He rubs me the wrong way. I'm not sure why.. can't put my finger on it..

    Daddy: Colonel Angus is an acquired taste! Bedelia!

    [ Bedelia, the maid, comes running onto the porch ]

    Bedelia: Yes, Sir?

    Miss Anabelle: Break out some fresh linens, Bedilia! We're gonna have Colonel Angus here tonight!

    Bedelia: Colonel Angus? I don't know nothin' about no Colonel Angus!

    Daddy: Well, get ready, Bedelia. If I remember correctly, Colonel Angus can be very messy!

    [ at last, Colonel Angus steps onto the porch ]

    Daddy: As I live and breath! Colonel Angus!

    Miss Anabelle: Oh, Colonel Angus! You old Carpetbagger!

    Colonel Angus: Anabelle! I fear my visit.. is an inconvenience.

    Miss Anabelle: [ laughing ] Nonsense, Colonel Angus! We're always happy to see your shiny face!

    Daddy: Colonel Angus! What brings you to these parts?

    Colonel Angus: I'm headed.. down South!

    Daddy: Hmm. Of course!

    Miss Anabelle: Uh.. how far south are you headed, Colonel Angus?

    Colonel Angus: Ain't really sure. I prefer the Deep South.. I like the heat.. the humidity..

    Daddy: Hmmm.. sir, I do not!

    Colonel Angus: [ ] And who is this.. little rosebud?

    Daddy: This is our daughter, Melinda.

    Melinda: Colonel Angus. The pleasure is all mine. I've heard so much about you.

    Colonel Angus: Well, my dear.. don't believe everything you hear.. about ol' Colonel Angus. Colonel Angus might be rough.. Colonel Angus might not smell like a bed of roses.. but, deep down.. Colonel Angus is very sweet.

    Miss Anabelle: Well, we hope you'll spend the night with us.

    Colonel Angus: Well, thank you, Miss Anabelle. And if I overstay my welcome.. just tap me on the head.

    Melinda: I always dreamnt of the day.. Colonel Angus would rest his head at Shady Thicket. I always begged my Daddy: "Tell me stories about you and Colonel Angus!" But he never will.

    Daddy: [ chuckling ] Well, that's because all of my experiences with Colonel Angus end in embarrassment!

    [ they all share a hearty laugh ]

    Daddy: Colonel Angus.. I hear rumors.

    Colonel Angus: [ sighs ] The incident.. at Big Beaver..

    Daddy: Yes?

    Colonel Angus: It's true, I'm afraid.. ten men were lost.. and I suffered a great injury.. to my jaw.

    Daddy: Is it true you've been stripped of your rank?

    Colonel Angus: Yes! It is. There'll be no more "Colonel Angus", ladies. Call me by my given name.

    Miss Anabelle: Oh, Anal..

    Melinda: I so love the sound of "Colonel Angus".. but I guess I could give Anal Angus a try.

    Colonel Angus: [ to a passing farm boy ] You there, Boy! ride into town and tell the Postmaster.. that if anyone is looking for Anal Angus.. to come knockin' at the rear entrance.. of Shady Thicket.

    Farm Boy: Euuuggghhh..

    Colonel Angus: If you'll excuse me.. I'd like to freshen up.

    [ Colonel Angus turns, and enters the plantation home ]

    Miss Anabelle: Of course! We'll call you when it's time to eat, Anal! Bedelia lays out quite a spread.

    Melinda: Well, I think Colonel Angus is delightful!

    Daddy & Miss Anabelle: Hmmm....

    Miss Anabelle: You won't.. after forty-five minutes.

    Daddy: No-o-o.. you can only take so much of Colonel Angus.

    [ fade ]

  2. #2
    arrogance in the flesh Hello Kitty's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    Houston, Texas

    [ open on footage of wine country ]

    [ dissolve to interior, corking room, as Giuseppe enters with tour group]

    Giuseppe: Right this way, folks. You're now entering.. the corking room. This is where.. the final step in the bottling process happens - where we prepare all the corks for all the bottles of Brunello that you saw earlier.

    Marcello: Any questions? [ a hand is raised ] Yes?

    Female Tourist: I've always actually wondered about that. How do you cork the bottles?

    Marcello: Excellent-a question, ma bella. As you can see, we are -asoaking all of the corks in this room right now. These three guys right here are some of the most talented cork soakers! Say hello, you all cork soakers!

    [ the three cork soakers turn around and wave happily to the tour group ]

    Male Tourist: Now, I'm curious - how does one become a cork soaker.

    Giuseppe: As we-a like-a to say, "Cork soakers are born, not made."

    Marcello: Yeah. Luigi here was simply born to soak cork! Come say hi, Luigi!

    Luigi: I love-a soaking the cork! I could-a soak the cork all night long, if they let me! I want to-a soak two corks at once!

    Female Tourist: So.. are all corks the same?

    Marcello: No, no, no..

    Cork Soaker #1: I like-a to soak the big-a, thick-a corks!

    Luigi: I like-a the long-a, skinny ones.

    Cork Soaker #2: I like-a the dark-a ones.

    Giuseppe: The great-a thing about the cork soaking, is that while you are-a soaking the cork, you can also.. massage-a the grapes, until the cork is ready. [ holds up a bunch of grapes ]

    Marcello: That's right.

    Female Tourist: [ stumbling, on the verge of cracking up ] So, how did you learn to sork.. corks -- suck -- soak corks?

    Marcello: You know, I'll never forget the first time I soaked-a cork. I was fifteen, in-a summer camp.

    Female Tourist: You know, I've noticed that all the cork soakers are men. Do women make good soakers?

    Giuseppe: Oh, yes! Yes! Monica, Carmella - come in here!

    Marcello: Come in here.

    [ Monica and Carmella enter scene ]

    Giuseppe: Monica.. tell-a these-a nice-a people.. how you soak the cork.

    Monica: Well, ever since I started soaking cork, I'm the most popular girl in school!

    Marcello: It's-a true - men come-a from all over just to watch her soak a cork. And Grandma Carmella still-a soaking cork at age 87! I got ot say that, too!

    Carmella: [ speaking with her gums ] It's crazy! Ever since I lost my teeth, people tell me I soak the cork better than ever!

    Female Tourist: Wow, this soaking corks really seems like a family business. So.. does your wife like soaking.. [ laughing ] ..s-s-soaking cork?

    Marcello: Well.. she used to, when we were dating. Now, not so much.

    Male Tourist: Um.. could you teach me how to soak cork?

    Giuseppe: You know.. when-a you walked in here.. I could-a sworn you already an expert cork soaker!

    Male Tourist: [ flattered ] Thank you! I dabbled in college. Um.. but, let me ask you this - do you ever run out of corks to soak?

    Marcello: Oh, yeah, I'll never forget this one that was unusually large. And I thought Giuseppe would need extra cork.

    Giuseppe: And I thought Marcello would need more corks.

    Marcello: So we soaked-a each other's corks at the same time! [ to Giuseppe ] Do you remember that?

    Giuseppe: Can you imagine that? Me-a soaking his cork.. while-a he soaked mine?

    Marcello: Oh, boy!

    Giuseppe: What year was that?

    Marcello: The year we soaked each other's corks?

    Giuseppe: Yes.

    Marcello: That-a was, what.. that was like, sixty.. late 60's, right?

    Giuseppe: Yes.

    Marcello: Sixty.. eight?

    Giuseppe: I-a wanted to say.. 70.

    Marcello: No.. you sure it wasn't one earlier than that?

    Giuseppe: It was sometime or other..

    Marcello: Let's just say between 68 and 70, alright?

    Female Tourist: This is all really so fascinating. So, do you think that one of you could teach me how to soak.. soak.. [ laughing ] ..s-s-soak corks?

    [ the cork soakers cheer excitedly, each rallying to be the one to teach the beautfiul tourist the art of their craft ]

    Giuseppe: Oh, I'm sorry. Come with me, ma bella. I will let you soak-a my cork as long as you like!

    [ they depart from the group ]

    Marcello: Cheers! Cheers!

    [ fade ]

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