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Thread: RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S ONE LINERS

  1. #1
    700 Acres Pusher
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    RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S ONE LINERS

    I was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy....I'd have nothing to play with.
    A girl phoned me the other day and Said "Come on over, there's
    nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

    During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just The other night she called me from a hotel.

    One day as I came home early from work .... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy... "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said,"Because you came home early."

    It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and A button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

    I was such an ugly kid........When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

    I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

    I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

    I'm so ugly...My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

    When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father........ I'm very sorry......We did everything we could......But he pulled through.

    I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

    Once when I was lost...... I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him.... "Do you think we'll ever find them? "He said. "I don't know kid. there are so many places they can hide."

    My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

    I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how Big I'd get.

    I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.

    My wife is so ugly that if you look up the word "ugly" in the dictionary; they have her picture there."

    "My Wife is so frigid that everytime she opens her mouth, a little light comes on"

    "My wife told me she wants to have sex in the car...she wants me to drive!!"

    "My wife told me she wasn't as interested in sex and she was cutting me back to twice a month. Hey, it could be worse...I know a couple guys she cut off completely!!"

    "You think you live in a bad neighborhood? everytime I close my windows I crush some guys hand, and I live on the 3rd floor"

    "You think you live in a bad neighborhood? After our defense sacked the quarterback, they went after his family"

    "You think you live in a bad neighborhhod? I saw a guy rotating tires in the street last night....from my car to his"

    "My wife ran off with my best friend....Now I have no dog"

    "there's you, Roberto....but what's with the midget?"

    My wife came home and said, "Honey, I have good news and bad news".
    What's the bad new. "Our car has been stolen". What's the good news. "I got the license plate number".

    ...."My wife and I wanted to give up smoking so we agreed only to have a cigarette after sex. Well, I have the same pack of cigarettes since 1974 while she's up to a pack a day.".....

    Steak & sex are my favorite pair, I have them both the same-very rare.

    "...I went to the drug store and asked the guy where I could find the deodorant. He said, 'Do you want the ball kind', and I said no, give me the kind that goes under your arms..."

    My doctor, doctor Vinnie Boom Batz wanted a stool sample, urine sample, and a siemen sample...I left him my underwear...

    I said to my son: "Someday you'll have kids of your own" He replied, "someday so will you dad!"

    I was so ugly as a kid that my parents used to put a pork chop around my neck so the dog would play with me.

    I went to my dentist to ask what can I do about my yellow teeth. He said "Wear a brown tie".

    I jumped into a cab and said..." Take me some place where I can find some action".
    He took me to MY place!!!

    "My wife said give me 10 inches and make me bleed" "So I f*&ked her twice and punched her in the nose!"

    BikeMojo.com Foreign Affairs Bureau Chief

  2. #2
    dan
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    Mojo Finkster.... Who's Yur Big Daddy? dan's Avatar
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    Rodney for Prez

    Man, that guy is funny. I printed this out and made copies for co-workers, and we've been laughing our asses off! He's one of a kind for sure.
    Got Sporks???

    Don't give me any crap on the trail! I can find my own, thank you.

    The Biker's Choice, Hendersonville, TN www.thebikerschoice.com

  3. #3
    try explaining the internet to a bum!
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    i'd vote for him. he'd be perfect at NATO to loosen things up, ya know?

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